Uh-oh

My year of being 26 years old is coming to end very soon...man, 27 is just around the corner, I can't believe it. It just so does not feel like it. That may be linked to the fact that I perceive everything in the new millennium, or rather, in this decade, as very recent. But Carissa, 2000 is EIGHT years ago! You graduated from High School almost EIGHT f***ing YEARS AGO! You entered your first real relationship NINE YEARS AGO. You began to study more than SIX YEARS AGO. You joined AIESEC more than FIVE YEARS AGO. Your sister, who is SEVEN years younger, just turned TWENTY. You've been working 100% for eight months. You've been 100% self sufficient for five months. You singing on stage was NINE YEARS ago, you dancing and acting on stage was an ETERNITY ago. Your blog is almost THREE YEARS old. You've been to Mexico almost FOUR YEARS ago. Your elementary school sweetheart is engaged, and your ex-boyfriend is married since three or four years and is a daddy since almost six months. You've been in this beautiful relationship for FOUR YEARS (ly, Schatz). You stopped figure skating ELEVEN YEARS AGO, and began TWENTY-ONE years ago. Carissa, you're just getting older...and it's okay. Totally okay. There, you feeling better? Well, kind of. I'm an intern for the next six months, for Pete's sake...and still don't have my driver's licence. LOL. Maybe that makes me feel younger too. Plus, my boyfriend is a year younger than me, that keeps me "fresh" as well :-) Carissa, everybody's "timing" is different. Timing for graduating, studying, for having relationships, your first real heart-break, internships, first real jobs (I signed my first permanent contract EIGHT YEARS ago, but it only lasted eleven months), settling down, having kids, driving a car etc. You just have to do it your way, do your thing. And you ARE, because everything feels right at the moment....okay?


There, now I have managed to freak out my few readers with self-talk. LOL.

P.S. When will my timing be right for becoming my own boss?

Late night ramblings

- I feel like I am making healthy progress when it comes to "I shall not try to please everyone all the time anymore"

- I feel like I need to make it more clear to people (and, sadly, also to some friends. Can I still call them friends?) - no matter if I have physically met them before or not - that I am not somebody to be taken for granted. See, I used to not want anything in return, I used to act out of courtesy, and because I believe that what goes around comes around. However, there are moments when enough is enough. The world is too full of idiots that just aren't worth the effort, basta!

- I finally feel (at least for now. Let's hope I still feel the same way in six months) that I am about to work for a company that sees my real value, i.e. the big picture, the entire Carissa, i.e. my life experience (including sports, the arts, living/studying/working abroad) + professional experience + personality + talent/potential + AIESEC experience + academic achievement. Not just what University I've attended. Not just what I have or haven't studied. Not just AIESEC. Not just the "Carissa who works very well, is very nice, and is perfect for filling in the gaps while we look for someone permanent"

- I believe that the seven years of being in a relationship (counting the previous one too) have shaped and taught me in ways that no other experience ever could

- I am proud of myself, dammit!

- I currently feel like things are falling into place, not only for myself, but also for loved ones

- I feel like I spend less time thinking about all the "other opportunities" out there. I am hopefully learning to focus on what I am doing NOW, and that I can't do everything at once. Living my life here and now. Again, I said learning, not mastering yet. Yet. Because that's the goal

- I can hardly believe my "baby sis' " will be turning twenty this Sunday

- I am connecting the dots, backwards of course, once again

- I believe too many people think that funny people are incompetent and stupid

Could it be?

These images summarize my current feelings, hopes and thoughts...oh please, let this hunch be something real. I haven't been this busy and haven't worked so hard in ages (no, not even for my studies, sorry), and it's slowly paying off. As my boss told me recently: "You have to trust your gut feeling, Carissa. Once you've found something you really like, you shouldn't let it go", and to quote my mentor: "You've got to try this! Be assertive, now is not the time to be shy. You have nothing to lose". I couldn't be more grateful for so much support. "Seriously!" (this is quoting all Grey's Anatomy characters, haha, how much longer do I have to wait for the new season to start!). I love the people at work, they're so great. And my superiors not only are role models when it comes to leadership, they're also wonderful human beings. I am very happy, and I am going to try this because I want it! Wish me luck...

We aged well

In the middle, two of us in Spring 1998 (we count the anniversary from the beginning of our year abroad, which was in 1997. This was already towards the end) ...

And here all of us again, in Summer 2007 :-D

Like good wine, we aged well, don't you think? Yes yes, maybe with some additional kilos, haha, wonder what we'll look like in another ten years from now...we're already planning our 20-year reunion! All this somehow reminds me of the quote I use all the time:

"Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, sometimes wine improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place."
(Abigail Van Buren)

And I think it's fair enough to say that we were good grapes, hehe. Who would have thought, after all these years we're still in touch. We have managed to see each other once a year or once every two years since 1997/1998, the year we all spent a high school year in the USA. First, we spent ten days at a so-called "cultural preparation camp" at Ramapo College in New Jersey. We flew over the Atlantic Ocean in the same airplane, all either sixteen or seventeen years old, about to begin a very shaping journey away from home. Remember, that back then we had no cell phones, hardly any internet yet (my hostfamily didn't have a computer, for instance, and my family back home didn't have internet yet), so there was no "cheating": I called home maybe once a month, sometimes a bit more, and wrote letters. Lots of snail mail, being on your own, and I wouldn't have wanted it to be any different. Okay okay, I know this may sound like coming from the memoirs of a seventy-five year old, haha. However, even though ten years isn't that long a time period, things were quite different back then compared to now.

So here's a toast to us, to the REAL Fantastic Four, hehe, to friendship that will hopefully last a lifetime !!! Love and miss you all, I really do :-D

Going beyond ...

Besides working my ass off these past four weeks (it's getting more interesting right now, as I can participate in meetings and get a good insight of the marketing department. Strategy and the creative process, which fascinates me), I've been spending a lot of time with my old diaries.

Yes, in my last meeting with my mentor (I love her!) we agreed that in order to make my next steps, I'd really have to know myself better. What's my lifestyle, what am I good at, what is my dream job, what do I imagine my life to be like, what do I enjoy doing, what sectors and industries could I imagine working in, working alone/with a team etc. etc. Basically things I should have sorted out thanks to AIESEC, and some I have, but it still isn't that clear yet. Mostly, she made it clear to me (this was and still is the hardest part for me) that it's only a waste of time to do things now that I'd only do to prove something to myself, or to others. For exemple, if I know that I don't want to make a career in the banking sector, then why even think of applying for an internship with a bank, after my studies? During your studies may be a different thing, but certainly not now! Or, if you know that you're fundamentally just not that great at and don't enjoy writing scientific papers, then heavens don't do a PHD. I've also had some interesting and long discussions with Aïda about this...

So, why have I been reading very old and old journal entries? As I have changed a lot during my studies, I wanted to see what still is "ME", the real Carissa. Are there things that just haven't changed at all since I was a teenager and that are fundamentally the Carissa that I really am? Which are the things that I only think have changed, but that actually haven't? What are my values? What are the things I don't compromise on? You see, all very important matters. At times it was gruesome, painful to read my old journal entries (I mean, I have been writing them since I was sixteen, haha) but it's fun to see your own development, and to see yourself from outside view. Because yes, I can, after all those years, read my diaries as if I was someone else, and be objective about it. And gosh does it feel good to say "Ah, thank God I am not like that anymore, that was just my troubled teenager-self", or "Carissa, you're a shining star but you just didn't know!" hahaha.

It's funny how the past four weeks changed me already. I'm feeling so much better about myself, strange that I needed a job and appraisal to do the trick. I've been doing tons of thinking and analyzing myself, and thinking of my future, envisioning it. Mostly it felt good, but there were still some moments every now and then when I was in doubt. Am still loving my life though, because re-reading all those old journal entries, I can witness and observe my personal development. I wouldn't have changed if I hadn't taken risks in life, if I hadn't done it my own way, if I hadn't had those crushes on assholes, if I hadn't been in those past relationships, hadn't had those friendships, hadn't travelled on my own. You win some, you lose some. What's important are the lessons learned. You cannot learn how to walk, run and jump if you don't get off your ass because you're too afraid of falling and making a fool of yourself. You can't overprotect yourself all the time.

At twenty-six, still not having my first real permanent job-contract (I just found out that I can only work until mid-September in this current position. My first reaction was "Oh, man, bummer". But then told myself "Carissa, don't be such an idiot, it was a great experience"), I might not yet feel 100% like the woman I want to be professionally (actually, I have a long way to go), but I sure know I am the woman that I want to be in my relationships with other people and have a certain life-experience for my age that I can be proud of. "On ne peut pas brûler des étapes", or how was that again? I am more critical and not that easy to impress anymore. As I usually say, if you move really fast on one level you usually are way behind on another level. You've gotta be aware of that.

I am also learning to be less angry and to be more forgiving. I think I will never forget what India.Arie said at her concert in Montreux on 8 July (this is the sappy, non-cynical Carissa speaking for a change):

"I had the chance to meet Nelson Mandela and speaking with him has been a life-changing experience. I then told myself 'If the man can forgive the person who emprisoned him for three decades, hell, then I'd better be able to forgive the man who broke my heart...' ".


'nuff said.

Updates, long overdue

This blog post is long overdue, and actually I had in mind to postpone getting back to blogging again until I found a job and presented my thesis ... or until I see things more clearly again. Yes, there you go: I haven't presented it yet. I'll get to that point shortly. It's finished, my thesis assistant liked it, she just wants me to make some small adjustments. Plus, around this time of the year, you don't get a date that quickly, so I'm guessing it could take another, what, two, three weeks until they let me defend the darn thing. But one thing after another: I was quite sick in May, due to a complication of my hayfever, didn't know that was possible. I was panicking, not only because of my health, but also because of my thesis deadline. Once I presented my doctor's certificate though, everything was fine, and they gave me some time to get well and de-stress (this job searching thing for Summer because I need the money so badly has been wearing me out so much). So, the thesis thing took me longer than I thought, and believe me I am not very proud of it, but I am so over beating myself up about it, and answering questions about it. It happened, voilà. My life, my studies, my situation, my bad. I know things will be fine. It was a love-hate relationship: I am very interested in my thesis topic, and in some way felt like dedicating my all to working on my thesis, but somehow, just neither had the energy nor the nerve for it. There you go.

Other than that, I've been in touch with Adecco and Manpower for the past six or more weeks, hoping they could find me a suitable Summer job that's not related to product promotion or student jobs I've done so far. Next to that, I've been applying for jobs via online ads and websites, and also applied for some internships. Am still waiting for answers. So many applications, cover letters, interviews, phone calls, but no success yet. Damn, how hard can it be to just find a temporary job!? Am I too ambitious, are my expectations set too hight? And am I being arrogant if I just don't accept Fr. 20.- per hour anymore because that's the salary I earned six or seven years ago? Lord, I just want a regular office job, don't really care if it's a bit brainless, as long as it pays decently. And sure, it would be nice if it wasn't a typical "female" office position (reception, secretary). But alas, what else can you hope for if you only want a job for say three or four months in order to pay your bills, some debts, and your flight and first month abroad of your AIESEC internship (fingers crossed). Because that's the plan, to finally do my AIESEC internship abroad, if possible in the Asia-Pacific region. And this is another point that's been on my mind lately, a big dilemma: Will it really help me professionally? Wouldn't it be better, at my age, to just try to join a graduate internship program at a big company, and be "safe" for a little while? Would I regret it if I didn't do my AIESEC internship after all? After all, I've been abrad with AIESEC twice for seven or eight weeks, even though not in a real professional setting. How long will it take me to find something? So many question marks in my head. Ah, I don't know. I usually don't care much about asking for advice, because after all, it's my life, and I've always done things my way, even though to many people my choices may have seemed odd and void of any logic. However, lately, I would have been grateful for some decision making help.
And dammit, what do I really want right now? I have made a long list of things I need to take of in the "personal management" department, like email accounts, my flat, activities, mentoring program, self assessment and analysis, me-time, exercise and diet, etc. etc. etc. The problem is that I haven't had the time to take care of those things yet, but I really do think it would be good for me to just take a week in order to think about what I want right now. I don't know if I would call it something like a five-year-plan (I never know if I like those kinds of plans or not ... sometimes they just seem more random than not planning at all, but maybe that's just me, or maybe I just don't have a clue of what I want yet. All I know is that someday, I want to be my own boss, that's the big goal. How I get there, pffffff, it doesn't really matter to me right now. And I want to live a happy, fulfilled, interesting and healthy life).

I am either very positive, or very dramatic. Extremely cheerful and giddy, or a total cry-baby. Right now, I am an emotional ship wreck. It can pass tomorrow morning, or not. I am just exhausted of the past few weeks, folks, but I know that I am by far not the only one, and that I shouldn't be so dramatic. Unfortunately, the little drama queen in me is prevailing at the moment, and I'm not into fighting her right now. So, I will go to sleep now, and leave you with some bullet points of other things I've been doing lately (yes, som of them kept me from concentrating on my thesis work. But aren't we all like that at one point? I have found out that I am by far not the only one) :

• Today, right after landing in Geneva again, I had a job interview that went very well, but I don't think that I have the job because with my luck, they found the ideal candidate for the permanent position (I would have filled in temporarily until they find the perfect person) yesterday. Can you believe that? She had the interview right after me! From a company's point of view it's totally understandable that they didn't cancel on me, incase they didn't like the other person after all. From my point of view, however, really not so cool ...
  
• Also today, got back from a long overdue but much too short vacation with Christian, in Valencia/Spain. It was wonderful! Yes, on a scale from 1-10 Barcelona is a 10 and Valencia would be something between a 4 and a 6 (depending on the criteria), but we had time for each other!! We watched Race 3 of the America's Cup (on a big screen), watched the boats of Team Emirates New Zealand and Team Alinghi enter the port after the race, checked out the city and the beaches (El Saler was the nicest one, a real gem. Thank God we had some sun that day! The only bad part was the dead algae ... haha). And our hostel was perfectly located in the city center (Pension Levante, formerly a "house of sins", haha, very interesting place). We ate Paella Valenciana, got sunburned, and went to the Oceanografic. Cool place, biggest "fish tank" in Europe, but we both preferred the one in Lissabon ... strangely, Christian remembers names of metro stations of Lissabon so well while in Valencia! One of them became one of our most used expressions the past few days: Marquês de Pombal. It's our new word for everything. Like, if we think the other one is behaving like an idiot, we'd say "Oh stop being such a Marquês de Pombal!", haha. We also have new names for us: Christian calls himself a Pirelli, I call myself the female version of the Michelin man (you know, who looks like he's full of Pirellis). I still think Christian didn't gain weight at all, but oh well. LY baby
  
• Went to the doctor too many times, took antibiotics for too long, was sick. But you know that already
• Am psychologically stressed and worn out
  
• I had cool visitors in May (Sveta, Danny) and saw old friends again (Wiebke, saw her in Hamburg/Germany for a weekend. Visited Kiel, Schleswig, Flensburg and a Viking Museum called Haithabu)
• Spent too much time on facebook
• Said goodbye to dear friends
  
• Didn't see my friends all that much actually
• Updated my CV
• Did self-reflection (again, oh brother)
• Asked myself way too many questions
• Went to see Shrek 3 with Julia (won tickets for the avant-première)
• Watched my weight go up up up, and down a bit, then up up up, and down a bit
• Totally messing up my sleeping rhythm again
• Watched Season 3 of Grey's Anatomy & Season 1 of Ugly Betty online

Fighting the urge ...

... to post things on my blog. I've been wanting to write about certain topics for a quite a while now, but the moment hasn't been right so far, and it still isn't. Therefore, so I won't forget, I will just bullet-point those topics here :

• How far or how much should you adapt? or "Don't loose yourself"
  
• Just focusing on your own development and happiness ... are we "Westerners" too obsessed with individualism?
• On trusting your gut feeling
• About Social Intelligence
• Living without regrets
  
• On comedy around the world
• Ode to Geneva
• On friendship
• On maturity
• On being authentic
• ....
  

Post Kick-Off 2007. Or "let's go to the roof. It's upstairs"

Before I start, I already apologize for the quality of this post: I am still very tired, and don't really have the time for blogging and writing nice sentences right now :-s I just wanted to share some things with you after this truly amazing national AIESEC conference, Kick Off 2007. I had such little time to prepare myself, was already tired before I went, but in the end, it all payed off! Joan and I were facilitators of the Goldie Track (aka track for experienced AIESECers), and also created most of the agenda ourselves, using and combining already existing resources. The feedback was good and the inputs very valuable. The delegates told us things that we really wished we could have offered them at this conference already, and not just "next time" (a pity, I know). Due to time constraints and other university work, this wasn't possible, but I really want to make sure that the next Goldie track at a national conference gets revamped. The Goldie track needs a revolution! :-) Running the Goldie Track is quite a challeng because of the content of the agenda and the profile of the delegates. Nevertheless, I left Kick Off 2007 with a satisfied feeling, knowing that Joan and I did what we could with the time available. I was a very happy facilitator at this conference, having such great delegates, especially our international ones !! And I even got to meet a fellow blogger in person :-) Big shout outs to all our delegates ...

As for the conference itself, the atmosphere was simply mindblowing. I don't think I have felt this way at a national AIESEC conference since DO IT 2004 ! The LC dances and roll calls are getting better and better, delegates were happy and inspired and motivated, the parties were da bomb (especially "Schizophrenia" party), I loved the OC (which my darling Sveta aka fellow IPM 2007 CC teamster/ER teammate/flatmate/bedmate LOL was part of, hehe. So much fun to have her at Kick Off 2007!)

And you know what? It was the Global Village in ages where I actually got to taste some food and not only alcohol because I was there on time! Hahahaha. I loved the Greek country stand because they had so many delicious things to eat! I got totally trashed though after Sveta's Ukrainian shot. That damn thing must have had like 200% alcohol. At least it kept me happy and talkative for the rest of the evening, hehe. Note for next time: Dancing in an Egyptian galabeya is very exhausting. Too hot! Very comfortable though.


Some fun facts (insider knowledge most likely necessary in order to understand):

• Our LC (Geneva) has won the Role Model LC award for the second consecutive time !! Ah, the Geneva spirit. Wär häts erfunde? (hehe)
  
• We have some great newies ... one of them even beatboxes extremely well :-)
• Talking with Laura about Egypt :-) And getting my scarf back, thanks girl !
• All the girls loooooooooove the Brazilian roll call :-D (Extremely high GAF = Gasping for Air Factor)
• Watching LC members and internationals playing the "Who am I ?" game on the train back to Geneva
• Kenneth left Julia with loads of bruises and Anna with a literal love bite (her lip was bleeding)
• Vincent can get down, waaay down
• Guess who is still my favorite dancer of all times ;-)
• There has never been (at least in my understanding) so much gossip material and hooking up at a national conference of AIESEC in Switzerland since I joined
  
• I'm still addicted to the Ice Cream and Cake dance
• "Let's go to the roof. It's upstairs" and circles of laughter outside the movie theater last night :-D
• Posing in front of the Opera last night after watching that movie, and the very spontaneous woman taking our picture
• Playing "... or ..." with Sarah, Regula, Kathrin, Sara, Nadja S., Anthony, Aubrey, Vincent and James last night. To be contiuned I hope :-D
• Pop goes my heart. Buddha's delight. Entering bootytown .... we need the movie soundtrack ;-)

Some thoughts:

• It's strange how I always think "Man, I mostly get sugarcubes from the same people, that's boring", just because I compare my envelope to the one of others. You know what though? It's pretty stupid to think that way. Yes, maybe I don't get as many cubes from new people (I got from some from my delegates this time though, and that made me very happy :-)), and therefore may not seem that popular. But at least I know who the people are that I will keep in touch with for a lifetime, and who my real friends are ... no?
• People need to get educated on William Sledd :-) I proudly wore my new Sleddhead t-shirt, and nobody knew what it was! LOL
• I need to loose weight, seriously now
• I have reached my limits: I know now that I cannot deal with this excessive lack of sleep + hardcore partying + delivering sessions for three to four days any longer. I'm old, folks!
  
• I'm a very proud and experienced Goldie!
• I'm still a jobless mentor
• I'm going to go back to my passions, the things I have neglected to much during my active AIESEC life: Dancing, sports, singing, hopefully also acting, reading literature
• I love facilitating, I want to practice more and learn more about it
• I love moments when everybody is having a great time, like when an entire crowd of very diverse people is enjoying itself dancing and letting go, having dance battles, dancing on tables....or sitting around a table with a glass of something something, talking, sharing, laughing....and then the wonderful random moments. To me, this is beauty. Yes, even random is beautiful
• I got to know myself a bit better this weekend

And now, dudes and dudettes, please send me some photos when I looked okay for a change at Kick Off 2007 (like at the Awards Night, and not during sessions! LOL), or upload them on facebook!

Thank you for an fantastic (last) AIESEC conference!

Me myself and I

I just read Sarah's latest post, and Peter's comment. It made me think. Do I write this blog for myself? Or for "my readers", even if I don't know how many exactly I have? I think it's both. I want to keep my thoughts - at least the ones I feel comfortable with sharing - so I can come back and remember them. But I also like to entertain people - I have no clue if I'm that good at it, but I can say that I enjoy it. I like the interaction.

So, I think this blog, for the time being at least, will remain exactly that, a mix of cautiously dosaged public self-reflection (the deeper self-reflection stays private), and a space for talking to and entertaining people who read my blog. Both is me. So I shouldn't force myself into an "either or", right?

I am working on my thesis. Still. Again feeling that I would have done better if I had had a fuller schedule. Same mistake again. Am worrying again. And am not liking that. Am not liking the me I am when I am like that. Carissa the procrastinator. Me no like. Swearing to myself that this will be the last time I empty my schedule for something like a thesis, because it doesn't make me any more efficient. I miss my friends, from all over. Right now, especially the very close ones right here. And I miss my family. Can't wait to see Yat Wan again this weekend. Hoping I can attend Sue's graduation party on Friday.

Coping, readapting, connecting the dots

You have noticed that I am in a bit of a blogger mania at the moment, posting tons of photos and blog entries. It's part of my reflection process after coming back from my seven weeks in Egypt. As I have told you previously, I had chosen not to do any self-reflection (or at least hardly any) during my time abroad. I wanted to live the moment and not do too much thinking, and do the thinking when I am back in my usual environment. This is an approach that is different from the ones I used to take. I used to write regular journals during my stays abroad. Not this time. I think I should have written a "personal professional development" journal, or a "work journal" though, that I do regret a bit (am trying to do that now...). I should have followed my working habits more closely, and analyze how I adapt or don't adapt to working styles abroad. However, I am totally satisfied with this approach of not actively reflecting throughout the process of living another experience abroad. I think it was exactly the right thing to do for my Egyptian experience. I don't know if I would use the same "method" again the next time, but it was very suitable for this particular adventure. Don't ask me why, it was a gut feeling.

So, here I am, adapting to being back home again, doing self-reflection, coping with missing people that have enriched my life, and connecting the dots (watch Steve Jobs' Stanford Commencement Speech 2005 if you want to know what I mean with this). The first 36 hours were very tough, afterwards everything back home felt normal again. Nothing feels unfamiliar. I love seeing the snow-covered mountains and the lakes again. I don't hate the clean streets and air. I am okay with everything being totally organized. But something is definetely missing, because even though I only spent seven weeks in Egypt, it did change a lot of things for me, as did my six weeks in Mexico in 2004. However, my Egyptian experience was a lot different from my Mexican experience. I would say it was an experience that was "shaken, not stirred", do you understand? (James Bond is still too present in my thoughts, hehe). Egypt will always have a special place in my heart now, it has challenged my world view in so many ways, it made me ask myself a lot of questions.

I called Hadia for an hour yesterday, am really happy that we got to talk a bit more, and we told each other that we will be here for each other for more reflection in the coming weeks. I have an Egyptian sister now :-) We both are in a very similar situation and time in life right now, so it makes sense to share our thoughts. The fact that we come from different cultural backgrounds makes it more interesting and challenging.

You might think this sounds silly, but I am convinced that I was meant to have this experience in Egypt. Ever since one year ago, when I found out that IPM 2007 was going to be held in Egypt and wrote that email to Maggie, the CCP, I felt that I needed to be there. It was a hunch. And it wasn't till in Egypt that I found out that Hadia was also at ITC 2004 in Poland, but that I hadn't actually met her there, I only remember the guys of the Egyptian delegation at that conference. Who would have thought I would work with her almost three years later? And just a few days before leaving to Egypt I found out that Tarek would be part of the CC too. Tarek who had visited us in Geneva in late 2003 or early 2004, bringing us a Sheesha from Egypt as a present, and whom I had met again at IC 2005 in India. That's where he gave me one of these on a keyholder. By pure coincidence I came across it again before I left and therefore brought it to Egypt with me :-) Was is really just a coincidence?

Back to connecting the dots:

"You can't connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, your destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path, and that will make all the difference. "

I am still trusting the process. Even though I cannot see very far, I have to trust it. I will never forget one particular thing that David from my CC team said to me on my last day in Egypt (thanks mate, I hope I remember it well): "Life is like driving at night with headlights. You can't see the entire road, you can only see as far as the lights go, yet you know that you are going the right way." Isn't that beautiful?

----------------
My goals for now and after my thesis (because right now, that is my only goal: Writing and finishing my thesis): Remembering my key learning points from my experience in Egypt/IPM 2007 CC experience, changing my blog layout, following my intution, getting in touch with my mentor (the one I had mentioned to you before going to Egypt), reviewing my experience as an intern at the World Economic Forum, working on my network of old and new contacts.

Twenty-six and still so foolish

I can't believe the amount of foolishness I still have at my age. I am usually proud of it, life is too short and a while back it has been my goal to learn to live in the present, but right now, I am kind of disappointed in myself. Disappointed for being foolish and over-emotional. I know it will pass, but during the second half of my stay in Egypt, I let my emotions take over me as so many times before, and now I feel stupid. The way I behaved in certain moments was just childish and in those moments I knew exactly that I was acting in a strange way. However, a rule I have for myself is also to have no regrets, therefore I shouldn't dwell on it. I think it is this age thing (AGAIN! Argh) that is getting to me. More and more every year. People keep telling me that age is nothing but a number. True, not true?

So, for now - and also to prevent me from getting another headache from thinking too much - I shall make peace with myself. I have been living in total reality withdrawal once again for a few weeks, and it was beautiful. I got back from Egypt yesterday and know that my view on my time there would be different if I had stayed longer, or if I had worked in a non-AIESEC context. It is very people dependent, I am totally aware of that. But I refuse to let the not so nice experiences take over my thoughts, like when young guys threw stones at Alis and me while going for a walk (covered up) in Merryland Park. Or when an old man groped me inside the pyramids. I also know that things would probably look different if I had light hair and skin and blended in less well. No, those things are not acceptable, yet for now, I don't want to focus on them at all. I prefer to remember the wonderful people I have met during my stay.

I got back to Switzerland yesterday, and I have looked at the photos of the past almost two months again, watched our videos, and was crying in front of the computer. At the airport, I spent almost an hour in a toilet stall crying alone, silently, so nobody could see or hear me. Luckily, at 2.20 am, the bathroom at the airport is basically empty. I know I can be a big drama queen, and yes, like I just explained, I can be over-emotional when people mean a lot to me. And I don't like goodbyes. For the past thirty-six hours, I have been trying to look for reasons why I am behaving like a little girl, because it is not the first time that I have spent a longer time abroad, or spent a lot of time with the same people only. Is it the fear (a very selfish one) of being forgotten? Is it because my heart has truly been touched by this very special group of human beings? Getting to experience a culture that is so different from my own? Or is it just the usual post-experience-abroad-blues? Whatever it is: I am twenty-six and still so foolish...

Here's to the beautiful faces that shall be engraved in my memory fovever